digest
Short Summary
Main recommendation: When a counterpart goes silent (ghosting) during a negotiation or implementation, do not simply reset with a "Have you given up on this project?" type of no-oriented question and continue selling or explaining, because that repeats what caused the silence. Instead, first diagnose why they stopped responding, since the silence usually means they feel you are not listening or they are facing problems on their side of the table. The speaker, Chris Voss, presents this as a systems-thinking problem: the approach that led to silence is designed to produce more silence.
Key Points
- Silence is a signal: the speaker frames ghosting as an indicator of one of two causes, a feeling that you are not listening or internal problems on their side.
- The cause is roughly a 50/50 split, and the two causes can also combine.
- Internal problems on their side can include losing influence, feeling embarrassed, or having a deal affected people push back on after expectations were set that everything would be "peachy."
- A no-oriented reset will most likely (the speaker says 999 times out of 1,000) get a response, but it will not address what led to the silence.
- The Burnham case in the Philippines illustrates the risk: the team re-engaged with the negotiator without recognizing the breakdown on the other side, and everything after that went badly. The problems surfaced only in the final days, when the other side was found to be disorganized and it was described as an ugly train wreck.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions:
- Before re-engaging, ask what in your own prior approach could have led to silence, and consider whether you were not listening.
- Consider whether the counterpart is facing internal problems, such as lost influence or embarrassment, that they may not want to disclose.
- Do not reset by asking a generic no-oriented question (for example, "Have you given up on this project?") and then return to explaining and selling; this continues the same pattern.
- Address the actual breakdown rather than only trying to restart the conversation.
- The speaker says people who fall in love with a project are especially prone to this pattern, digging the hole deeper by returning to explanation and sales.
- The speaker notes that when someone's side is breaking down, they may "rather die than be embarrassed," which is why they may not voice the problem.
- In the Burnham case, the team learned of the other side's problems only in the final days, indicating the cost of not diagnosing early.
Bottom Line
A silent counterpart is a diagnostic signal, not just a timing issue; the first step to recovery is figuring out whether you have stopped listening or they are struggling internally, before any attempt to re-engage.
