digest
Short Summary
Main recommendation: When someone makes an inappropriate joke, cultural remark, or off-color comment, respond with a label such as "It seems like you have a reason for saying that," then go silent and let them account for it. The same labeling approach can replace direct questions to gather information without making the other person feel interrogated or threatened.
Key Points
- Labels are used in hostage negotiation worldwide, and the video says they work across cultures and languages because they speak to human behavior and emotion.
- A label such as "It seems like you think it's okay to joke in that way" makes the person pause and explain their behavior, rather than forcing a confrontation.
- The speaker prefers "It seems like you have a reason for..." as a versatile go-to label that works for thoughts, feelings, and remarks (also usable for interrupting inappropriate behavior).
- Labels play to women's intuitive strengths in reading the underlying dynamics of a conversation, and the speaker presents this as an advantage.
- Turning a question into a label gathers the same information while keeping the other side at ease and avoiding the feeling of being interrogated.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions:
- When someone makes an inappropriate joke about your culture or gender, say: "It seems like you think it's okay to joke in that way," or "It seems like you thought that was an appropriate joke to use with me."
- When someone asks a question you're not sure you want to answer, say: "It seems like you have a reason for asking that," then let them explain why they're asking.
- When someone says something off-color or pushes the conversation somewhere you don't want it to go, say: "Seems like you have a reason for saying that," then go silent and let them think about it.
- Avoid a more assertive label such as "It seems like you think it's okay to call me that" unless the softer label fails, because the softer approach lets the other person back off on their own.
- To gather information without asking, convert the question into a label. Instead of "How long do you think it's going to take to talk to your team about this?" say "It seems like there's a process to talk to your team about this. It might take a couple of weeks."
- Keep the tone right; the speaker says correct tone of voice and proper use of the skills should prevent problems.
- The speaker notes that wording may not translate exactly across languages, so you may need to adjust phrasing to convey the same meaning. A French-speaking Canadian colleague needed a small workaround.
- The speaker says the label "seems like you have a reason for" works in almost any situation because you just insert the relevant verb, such as looking, feeling, or saying.
- The speaker explains that people often feel threatened by questions, and that powerful women can come across as threatening, which turns the other side off. Being likable is presented as one of the things that makes these skills work.
Bottom Line
Using labels instead of direct confrontation or questioning lets you handle offensive remarks and gather information while keeping the other person calm, open, and willing to explain themselves.
