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Short Summary
Main recommendation: Do not throw a child out of the house, even if a parent believes a biblical story seems to justify it; keep the relationship intact and stay in connection. Rabbi YY Jacobson answers a father's challenge about Abraham sending Ishmael away by offering four reasons plus a fifth point, centered on the value of every child and the importance of not severing a relationship.
Key Points
- The father's objection cites Genesis, where God tells Abraham to follow Sarah's request to send away the maidservant Hagar and her son Ishmael.
- Jacobson's first answer concedes the literal story but says that if a parent does this, the mother must leave with the child too.
- Jacobson warns that acting on a belief that "God told me to" is dangerous, since a mistake can cause lasting regret, while keeping the relationship is the safer error.
- He argues that Ishmael's expulsion happened before the giving of the Torah, when Ishmael was not yet a Jew, whereas after Sinai, expelling a Jewish child means severing a soul from its people.
- Using Isaac and Esau, he argues that if the logic of expelling a troublesome child were consistent, Esau (who caused aggravation and sought to kill Jacob) should have been sent away instead of Jacob—yet Rebecca sent Jacob away instead, which he presents sarcastically as evidence that such expulsion logic doesn't hold.
- He ends with a Midrash in which Abraham visited Ishmael, prayed for him, and Ishmael's home filled with blessing, so Ishmael felt loved.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions: If you are tempted to remove a child from the home because you believe God wants it, first be very careful about claiming that certain divine instruction; prefer keeping the relationship over acting on a possible mistake. If the situation truly requires separation, the speaker's first answer says the child should leave with his mother, meaning the wife must leave the house too. Otherwise, the speaker's guidance is to keep the child close, deal with the pain through ways of coping, and maintain connection rather than cutting off the child.
- The speaker frames his points as personal reasoning and a sermon, not as a formal legal or psychological ruling.
- Jacobson uses Esau's case as a contrast: Isaac and Rebecca faced aggravation from Esau's wives and Esau's intent to harm Jacob, yet Rebecca sent Jacob away, which he presents as a misjudgment of who should have been removed.
- The Midrash reference about Abraham praying for Ishmael is the speaker's concluding example of how love, not expulsion, is the response.
Bottom Line
A parent's pain over a child's conduct is real, but cutting off the child is not the answer; staying connected and showing love is the path the speaker presents as God's intended response.
