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Short Summary
Main recommendation: Be considerate of others' feelings, especially widows, orphans, and people who are alone, even when it means giving up something you personally value. Rabbi Paysach Krohn recounts how Rav Shalom chose to delay eating the Afikoman past midnight so that the speaker's widowed mother could enjoy a full Seder with her family, illustrating that relationships are about thinking of others.
Key Points
- Rav Shalom, a close family friend who acted like a surrogate grandfather, gave up his custom of eating the Afikoman before chatzos (midnight) so the Seder would not be rushed.
- The speaker, having lost his father at 21, rushed the Seder to finish on time, but Rav Shalom quietly objected to the rushing, worried about missing eating the Afikoman before midnight; the speaker ignored him and continued rushing anyway.
- Rav Shalom explained that making a widow feel bad is a Torah prohibition (a din d'Oraisa), while eating the Afikoman before chatzos is only a Rabbinic prohibition, so the Torah concern took priority.
- The lesson drawn is that one must consider how to act toward widows, orphans, and lonely people in the community, since hurting an orphan is a serious Torah prohibition.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions: The speaker does not give a step-by-step method. The actionable guidance is to be mindful when speaking and acting toward widows, orphans, and others who are alone, and to prioritize their emotional well-being over one's own customs or schedules, while avoiding words or actions that cause them pain.
- The Seder began late on the first night because it fell on motzei Shabbos, and Israelis observe only one Seder day, which made timing tighter for the family.
- The story is framed around the question of how a widow's family should be treated during holidays, and the speaker presents this as a model for relationships in general.
- The speaker notes that the Afikoman is traditionally eaten before midnight, and that Rav Shalom had never previously eaten it after midnight — and the Haggadah matters described (frogs jumping, blood spilling) refer to children's illustrated Haggadahs, not a literal event.
Bottom Line
Rav Shalom's choice shows that protecting someone's emotional needs can outweigh a personal religious custom, and that true relationships involve looking beyond oneself to others.
