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Whenever somebody is insulting you, we have this ability to get really mad and stew on it and get angry. But the best way to do it is, let's say, if you told me, "I really think you're an idiot, Jefferson." Give it a little bit of silence. And I would repeat, "I'm an idiot, Jefferson." Now, that's going to put the spotlight right back on you for you to confirm it, double down on it, or you're going to apologize. A lot of times in arguments, people take it back. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. My head was... I got too in front of it."
So, here's what I would want you to do. Add silence. We're going to have 5 to 7 seconds of silence. And what that does is allow them their words to fall. It's going to, one, tell you that their words aren't threatening. You're adding that space in there for two reasons. One, to calm you down. Second of all, it allows them to hear their words back, because it's like they walked their words out onto a plank and now they're all alone.
If you had said something ugly to me, and you said something like, "Oh, well, um, Jefferson, great to be here. I guess I... I guess we'll include you. I guess you just came," it's something that made me feel like I wasn't one. And if I just let that hang for a little bit and then I ask a question of intent. These are what I call questions of intent. Whereas it says, "Did you say that to upset me? Did you say that to hurt me? Or did you mean..." If you begin your phrase with "Did you mean," "Did you mean for that to offend me? Did you mean for that to be rude?"
I do this a lot in email correspondence or texts, when somebody sends something to you and you feel like all of a sudden it's rude. But really, if you just text, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" It cures up almost instantly, because a lot of the time people don't mean it that way. But they're going to say something to you that is going to respond, and most likely they're going to say no. They're not going to know how to handle that. They're not going to know what to do with that.
If you can respond with, "Imagine being the person who would say that," or "How did you want me to feel?" or ask them, "How did you feel when you said that? How does it make you feel when you say that?" You're going to say something ugly to me and I give it a big pause, and I would respond, "How does it make you feel when you say that to me?" Or, "I'm surprised you said that out loud." Can you just tell them how it felt? Can you just say, "That was really hurtful"? Yeah, you can. But that's giving them what they want. You're giving them the dopamine. That's what they wanted. They said that so that it would hurt. They're saying that because in their mind they wanted you to have that sense of pain. They wanted to grab that from you. They wanted that sense of control. So when you say, "Oh, that hurt," often that's exactly what they wanted in that moment. Now, it's going to take them some time to realize, "Oh, I was really a jerk about that." But in that moment, what they're wanting is that hit of dopamine from you. They're wanting that sense of control.
So when you ask them a question... if I were to say, "That was rude," that's a direct statement, and you're giving them what they want. But if I ask, "Did you say that to be rude? Did you mean for that to sound rude?" Now they have to admit that's very different. Now they have to admit what their intent was with that. Now they have to say yes or no. Most of the time what they do is they kind of fumble over their words and they go, "Oh, what I mean, what I meant to say was..." or "No, no, no, I'm sorry, what I meant was..." They don't want to hurt now. They're going to hurt their reputation. And they've put themselves way too far out on a ledge, and that's much harder.
On page 166 of your book, The Next Conversation, you say, "When you hear someone say something rude or insulting, understand that they're wanting something from you. That something is dopamine, the feel-good hormone. That something is dopamine." So, when somebody says something ugly, what they're wanting is your emotion. They're saying, "I'm unhappy. I'm only going to be satisfied if I can make you a little bit unhappy, too." That's where I'm going to feel justified. I'm only going to feel justified when I've caused you pain. And when that happens, your best defense against that is to be like a wet blanket, like a soggy piece of bread that they can't do anything with. They can't move that. They can't control that. And what you're telling them in that moment is that it's not going to be that fun for you. That's the best way to handle a bully. A bully does something and you ask them, "Did you say that to hurt me? Or does it feel good for you to say that? Or how did you want me to respond when you said that?"
Let's say I came in and I go, "Oh, I guess we're, you know, I guess this is okay. Yeah, I guess we can talk in here. That's fine." That's kind of condescending, wouldn't you say? And if you had asked me in that moment, "Did you mean for that to sound rude?" I'd be like, "Oh, no. Oh, no. Goodness." Either I'm calling it out, or you'd say, "That's an odd thing to say out loud."
Can you say that in all contexts? I'm thinking, can you say that to the CEO of the company? You're an intern, and they look at a piece of work you've made and they go, "I mean, I guess that's okay." Do you know what I mean? Does context matter here? Well, I still think you could say it. It depends how you're going to put it. It just depends. Context certainly matters on some level. If there's such a huge power dynamic, something like that, if you're an intern, you might think, "Look, this guy's just having a bad day. This is not the time for me to choose to try and make him feel bad." Or, "Okay, I'll accept that, or I can do better with that." There are ways you can try to diffuse the rudeness.
Another response I really like to use, which would not be in that context, but is below my standard for response, is: "Those are really bad arguments." I've had really bad arguments where someone used that, and they really don't know what to say after that. A lot of times when I'm in depositions and somebody has a snarky comment towards me, I'll ask them, "How did you want me to respond to that?" They don't know. They don't really have an answer. They kind of just go, "Oh, I mean, what I meant was," and they fix it. But the signal you're sending, the whole point of it all, is to show them that the next time they choose to do this, it's not going to be fun. This is not what they're going to get. That's the whole point of getting them to repeat themselves. A lot of the time, if I say, "You know what? I didn't catch that. Can you say that again?" they can't bear to say it again. It's like setting conversational boundaries.