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To control who you are. It's you control the power of the tongue. What we say really is tied to just our entire essence. Who comes into a room? I mean, it's what you say is who you are. For the vast majority of your life, what comes out of your mouth controls what they think of you, controls your reputation, controls where you're going to go. It's simply what you say next. You can't call yourself a kind person if you don't use kind words. It's really what you say when you go, "I don't really like that person." What you really mean is they say things that I don't like. So it's just the power of what we say that truly can change everything about your life. It's a big deal. Yes, it is. It's a really big calling. I think that those who invest in their words, invest in using better words, will have a better life. They'll find that they'll have more peace. They'll have more control. They'll have more confidence. It's not something they can buy on Amazon. It's not something they can just get. It is simply what they choose to come out of their mouth that can make the difference.
When you have the chance to say no or yes to something and you decide not to say no, instead you go, "Oh, maybe." And then it just lives in your head for the next week until they ask again. You're like, "I just put it off." But if you say no when you need to say no, then it doesn't live in your head rent free. Let's put it in terms of you and I working at the same place, and I ask you, "Hey Stephen, want to go grab a cup of coffee at this new place I saw?" You're thinking in your head, "Look, Jefferson, you're nice, but we're not friends, we're just work guys. I like you at work, but I don't want to go have coffee with you." Besides, you're so busy you have too many things to do, and you need to say no. Instead you go, "Oh man, maybe, it just depends, I'll let you know." Then I'm waiting the whole day to hear from you. Now in your head you're like, "How do I tell them I don't want to do this?" And now you're just thinking about it and wasting your emotional energy, when saying no is what you needed to do.
The best thing anybody can do as a new parent is be a safe space for their kids in communication. One of the most terrifying thoughts for any parent listening is that your kid is not going to come to you in their time of need. They're going to be in high school and they're not going to come to you with their problems. They're going to go tell somebody else, or deal with it in other ways that are not constructive, because you have established a pattern of making them afraid to come to you and putting them down, so they are afraid to come to you with their struggles. Arguments are a window into another person's struggle, and kids are no exception. The way to think about that is to say things like, "Thank you for coming to me with this. I acknowledge you could have talked to someone else. I'm glad you talked to me." When you show them that you're inviting them into that conversation, they're going to be more receptive to coming to you. That's the main takeaway: what you say to your kids, they will repeat, and how you say it to their kids, they will repeat. You most likely saw your parents argue a certain way, and I saw my parents argue a certain way, and that becomes our default for how we think other people should argue. Have you ever been in relationships where the other person wants you to fight with them? They say, "I don't feel like you care unless we're yelling. I don't feel like you care unless it's almost to this very toxic, horrible level. Only then do I feel like I want you to argue with me. I want to feel like you're in it." That's what they grew up with. That's all they know, so to them, that is the default. It's a choice of how you want to show conflict to the generations that come after you.
What do you hope people who read this book will walk away with in terms of value or a change in perspective? I hope people will find that their words truly have power, that it is within reach. I hope they will no longer feel this sense of hopelessness, of never knowing what to say or never feeling like themselves. I always feel like I people-please. I always feel like I say less or I feel less. This is a sense that I can teach you how to argue less and talk more by simply changing what you decide to say next. I believe that all the world needs is one better conversation at a time.