digest
If you look at a carpenter, they have a toolbox. A dentist has their drills. In our era and the type of work most of us are doing, the tool we most need is centered around being able to give and receive feedback.
Humans have been talking about feedback for centuries. In fact, Confucius, way back in 500 BC, talked about how important it is to be able to say difficult messages well. But to be honest, we're still pretty bad at it. A recent Gallup survey found that only 26% of employees strongly agree that the feedback they get actually improves their work. Those numbers are pretty dismal.
So, what's going on? The way that most people give feedback isn't brain-friendly. People fall into one of two camps. Either they're in the camp that is very indirect and soft, and the brain doesn't even recognize that feedback is being given, or it's simply confused. Or they fall into the other camp of being too direct, and with that, it tips the other person into the land of being defensive.
There's a part of the brain called the amygdala, and it's scanning at all times to figure out whether the message has a social threat attached to it. Depending on that, the listener will move forward in defensiveness or move backward in retreat. What happens then is the feedback giver starts to dysregulate as well. They add more ums and ahs and justifications, and the whole thing gets wonky really fast.
It doesn't have to be this way. My team and I have spent many years going into different companies and asking, "Who here is a great feedback giver?" Anybody who's named again and again, we actually bring into our labs to see what they're doing differently. What we find is that there's a four-part formula you can use to say any difficult message.
Are you ready for it? Here we go.
The first part of the formula is what we call the micro yes. Great feedback givers begin their feedback by asking a question that is short but important. It lets the brain know that feedback is actually coming. It might be something like, "Do you have five minutes to talk about how that last conversation went?" Or, "I have some ideas for how we can improve things. Can I share them with you?" This micro yes question does two things. First, it's a pacing tool. It lets the other person know that feedback is about to be given. Second, it creates a moment of buy-in. I can say yes or no to that yes-or-no question, and with that I get a feeling of autonomy.
The second part of the feedback formula is giving your data point. Here you should name specifically what you saw or heard and cut out any words that aren't objective. There's a concept we call blur words. A blur word is something that can mean different things to different people. Blur words are not specific. For example, if I say, "You shouldn't be so defensive," or "You could be more proactive," what we see great feedback givers doing differently is converting their blur words into actual data points. Instead of saying, "You aren't reliable," we would say, "You said you'd get that email to me by 11, and I still don't have it yet." Specificity is also important when it comes to positive feedback. We want to be able to specify exactly what we want the other person to increase or diminish. If we stick with blur words, they won't have any clue what to do going forward to keep repeating that behavior.
The third part of the feedback formula is the impact statement. Here you name exactly how that data point impacted you. For example, I might say, "Because I didn't get the message, I was blocked on my work and couldn't move forward," or, "I really liked how you added those stories because it helped me grasp the concepts faster." It gives a sense of purpose, meaning, and logic between the points, which is something the brain really craves.
The fourth part of the feedback formula is a question. Great feedback givers wrap their feedback message with a question. They'll ask something like, "How do you see it?" or, "This is what I'm thinking we should do, but what are your thoughts on it?" This creates commitment rather than just compliance. The conversation is no longer a monologue but becomes a joint problem-solving situation.
One last thing: great feedback givers not only say messages well, they also ask for feedback regularly. Our research on perceived leadership shows that you shouldn't wait for feedback to be given to you, which we call push feedback. Instead, you should actively ask for feedback, which we call pulling feedback. Pulling feedback establishes you as a continual learner and puts the power in your hands.
The most challenging situations are actually the ones that call for the most skillful feedback. But it doesn't have to be hard. Now that you know this four-part formula, you can mix and match it to make it work for any difficult conversation.