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Chris Voss & The Black Swan Group - Using "No" to Preserve the Relationship | Sandy Hein

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Author: Chris Voss & The Black Swan Group
Categories: Psychology Productivity Lifestyle
Tags: psychology, productivity, lifestyle
Views: 3 · Last viewed: 2026-10-16 12:40 UTC

Short Summary

Main recommendation: Say "no" gradually in stages, rather than refusing outright, so you protect the relationship for future dealings. The speaker describes starting with a tactical "How am I supposed to do that?", then moving through softer refusals before a final no.

Key Points

  • Use "How am I supposed to do that?" as a first step, but only after you have used tactical empathy throughout the conversation; otherwise it sounds like an assertion and will get a defensive reply.
  • Asking "How am I supposed to do that?" in a thoughtful, genuinely curious tone invites the other side to explain and to help you find a workable path.
  • Tactical empathy triggers reciprocity: when you have sought to understand the other side, they tend to seek to understand you in return.
  • Escalate in steps: after the first question, express regret about the offer's generosity while saying you don't see how you can do it, then state that the arrangement won't work for you, and only then give the final no.
  • The purpose is relationship preservation, so the final no should be framed as regretful, not dismissive.

Details Worth Noting

  • Concrete instructions:
    • Step 1: Before using "How am I supposed to do that?", build tactical empathy through the whole conversation by seeking to understand the other side's position.
    • Step 2: Deliver the question in a thoughtful, sincere tone (for example, "Seriously, I need you to tell me how am I supposed to do that?") rather than a sharp or challenging one.
    • Step 3: Listen to their explanation. If you still don't want to proceed, say something like, "I'm sorry, your offer is very generous, I just don't know how I can do that."
    • Step 4: If still unwilling, say, "I'm sorry, that just isn't going to work for me."
    • Step 5: Only then deliver the final no, framed as regret, such as, "I've really thought about this, and it kills me, but I'm just not going to be able to do business with you."
  • The speaker warns that a poorly delivered "How am I supposed to do that?" may prompt replies like "I don't know, what's your problem? Figure it out," which ends cooperation.
  • The method is described as "letting no out slowly," intended to keep the door open for future business.
  • The transcript presents this as a communication approach from the book discussed in the video; it is not a professional negotiation guarantee.

Bottom Line

Gradual, empathetic refusal lets you decline a deal while keeping the relationship intact, provided you earn the other side's goodwill first.