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Short Summary
Main recommendation: When comforting mourners (nichum avelim), be sensitive to the avel's feelings and keep the focus on the niftar, not on yourself. Rabbi Paysach Krohn ties this to the Gemara's description of the Jewish people as compassionate, sensitive/modest (bayshanim), and doers of kindness, placing sensitivity in the middle because the recipient of kindness must never feel like a burden or a charity case. He stresses that the visit should also continue after shiva, when the mourner's loneliness often deepens.
Key Points
- The Gemara's three traits (rachmanim, bayshanim, gomlei chasadim) are sequenced so that sensitivity sits between compassion and kindness: a favor must be done in a way that does not make the recipient feel like a burden or a recipient of charity.
- Drawing on the Mesillas Yesharim's "Mishkal Hahasidus," Rabbi Krohn says a pious act must be judged by its outcome: a visit that leaves the avel feeling worse than before is not a pious act.
- Mourners often need the visit to be about the niftar, so speakers should share memories or ask questions about the deceased rather than discussing their own experiences.
- Support is needed after shiva as well, when the house is quiet and the grief is most visible, though visits should respect privacy and be offered without pressure.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions:
- Keep the visit short; leave once the avel signals, typically around twenty minutes unless the family wants you to stay, and never sit so long that you become a burden.
- If you knew the niftar, share a specific memory (rebbe, friend, shul or work connection). If you did not know them, ask questions such as "Tell me something about the person" or "What did the mispallelim say?"
- Do not talk about your own illness or similar losses, and do not turn the shiva house into a social gathering.
- If you cannot speak well, write a letter; Rabbi Krohn notes that families save such letters and read them on the yahrzeit.
- Do not ask about the illness, the doctors, or the treatment, and never criticize the doctors.
- Do not say "I know how you feel."
- Stay silent and listen, and try to draw out the avel to talk. Do not stare at the family.
- After shiva, visit with permission, and offer practical help such as taking children shopping or out for an ice cream, while respecting privacy if the family wants it.
- Invite the family for Shabbos or Yom Tov if they want to be included, but do not push or pressure them.
- Help ensure the family's financial stability, for example by getting others involved, since the speaker notes many people lack life insurance.
- Rabbi Krohn cites Chava Bronstein, who showed him letters from students and colleagues that she read every yahrzeit, as an example of how written messages are cherished.
- He notes that holidays such as Pesach, Sukkos, Shavuos, Yom Kippur, and especially Chanukah (with its many nights) can feel loneliest for mourners, so call, bring gifts, or invite them over on those days.
- He quotes Rebbetzin Amelie Jacobowitz: "The happiest days of the year become the saddest."
- He frames the goal as acting in the spirit of Avraham Avinu, the model of compassion, expresses hope for Mashiach when there will be no more mourners, and closes by reminding listeners that the visit is about the mourner and the deceased, not the visitor.
Bottom Line
Nichum avelim succeeds when the visitor puts the mourner and the niftar first, speaks briefly and sensitively, and keeps showing up after the shiva ends.
