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Rabbi YY Jacobson - Protect the Relationship

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Author: Rabbi YY Jacobson
Categories: Lifestyle Psychology Education
Tags: lifestyle, psychology, education
Views: 2 · Last viewed: 2026-10-16 08:47 UTC

Short Summary

Main recommendation: when a couple argues over a decision, focus first on protecting the relationship, whatever the decision turns out to be. Rabbi YY Jacobson says the outcome matters less than making sure the argument ends with the bond intact. He applies the same principle to teaching, where the key is that students keep feeling loved, dedicated to, loyal to, and authentically cared for.

Key Points

  • Couples often ask the rabbi to decide disputes such as which parents to visit for Pesach, which shopping to do, or which school to send a child to, but he says he does not know the answer and the couple can decide.
  • The real test of any decision is whether the relationship was damaged in the process, since a couple can "both lose" even if one side wins the argument.
  • The same principle applies to a teacher and students: whatever method is chosen, the student must not lose the feeling of being loved and cared for.
  • Relationship health is the priority; a decision that wins the argument but breaks the foundation is a poor outcome.

Details Worth Noting

  • Concrete instructions: After a couple makes a decision on a disputed matter, make sure the argument is fully over and the relationship is intact and undamaged before moving on.
  • Concrete instructions: In teaching, whatever approach is chosen, check at the end of the year or the conversation that the student still feels loved, dedicated to, loyal to, and authentically cared for.
  • Concrete instructions: Treat those qualities as needing to be complete and sincere; if they are missing, achieving the immediate goal (such as passing a test) has removed the foundation.
  • The rabbi gives the Pesach example in a light, humorous way, noting differences in customs such as chocolate and squeezing oranges, and emphasizes that Pesach ends and the marriage should not be affected.
  • The speaker frames couples' requests for rulings as common among Jewish couples who email or visit him.

Bottom Line

Decisions are temporary and can be revisited, but damage to a relationship from an argument can linger, so protecting the bond matters more than winning the disagreement.