digest
Short Summary
Main recommendation: End every email with a genuine, positive last impression, because people remember the final thing they read more than the rest. Open with an accusations audit (naming the negatives the other person may be thinking) rather than flowery pleasantries, and place the sincere relationship statement at the end.
Key Points
- People tend to remember the most intense moment and the last thing in an interaction, so the closing line carries outsized weight.
- Opening with a warm, generic compliment is a habit the speaker advises against; the first move should be an accusations audit that acknowledges the potential negatives.
- The common mistake is letting anger build through the email so the final line becomes a parting shot, such as the "some partnership" closing the speaker received from a former partner.
- The sandwich approach (positive, negative, positive) is explicitly not recommended, because the opening is meant to deactivate the negatives first.
- Examples from the speaker's negotiation work (Chase Manhattan hostage situation, Tractor Man siege) and Cindy Morey's account of Oprah's practice of making people feel valued at the end illustrate the principle.
Details Worth Noting
- Concrete instructions:
- Draft the email, then check whether the final sentence leaves the reader feeling valued rather than attacked.
- Start the email with an accusations audit: name the negatives the reader might be assuming, instead of a flowery opener.
- Close with a sincere positive statement, such as wanting a long-term relationship and wanting to settle the matter amicably, since the speaker says this is true when working something out by email.
- Avoid ending with a sarcastic or angry parting shot, even if the email has grown heated along the way.
- The Gallup organization's polling data, cited by the speaker, is the basis for the claim that people remember the most intense moment and the last thing.
- In the Chase Manhattan hostage negotiation, NYPD negotiation team commander Hugh McGowan told the speaker to end every conversation, which helped restore control of the negotiation.
- In the Tractor Man siege, the team negotiated that the negotiator would always say goodbye before the call ended, which shifted the subject's mindset toward politeness.
Bottom Line
Your email's closing words are what the reader is most likely to carry away, so deliberately end on a sincere, valuing statement rather than letting frustration write the last line.
